In-ter-net
–noun
a vast computer network linking smaller computer networks worldwide (usually prec. by the). The Internet includes commercial, educational, governmental, and other networks, all of which use the same set of communications protocols.

With that out of the way, this article will outline the 7 biggest reasons why you, yes you, should not use the internet! After all, the internet is a vast computer network, right? Since when has anything vast been worth our trust?

7. It cannot be trusted

the internet cannot be trustedAs noted briefly above, how can a vast network of anything be trusted? Do you trust a vast network of spiders? Or a vast network of criminals? How bout a vast network of inanimate objects that can make black-and-white decisions that could potentially ruin life as we know it?

That’s what I thought. The internet is just that. A computer is an inanimate object that just does things, even if we never told it to. You know how your computer just decides to shut itself off sometimes? Or how it puts questionable content on your hard drive without you knowing about it and your wife finds it? Now imagine that, times a hundred hundred hundred billion, give or take! The internet is a seemingly endless network of all of these things that ruin our lives on a daily basis. How can we trust one computer, let alone brazillions of them? I hope you aren’t naive enough to think that you can actually control your computer, or what it does after you go to sleep…

6. Intrusive Advertising

we cant hear you!Ok, you’re here reading this, so clearly you haven’t realized why you shouldn’t be using this, therefore, you have encountered some of the things on the internet. One of the most common things on the internet is advertising. This advertising is how the big-wigs fill their pockets with green, while leaving you clueless as to why you didn’t win an iPhone even though you shot Osama right in the face.

Advertising. Pfft. All you’re trying to do is cruise the information superhighway, right? You don’t want people hawking their products in front of your face, in most cases without even realizing that’s whats going on, right? Think about this, what if you were at home on a Friday night, just relaxing and watching your 23″ tube TV, enjoying your favorite episode of M*A*S*H and all of a sudden it just cuts out in the middle of it, and you saw a commercial for a male enhancement drug. What the hell?! What happened!? Did my TV break!?! Nope, you’re just using the internet, and somebody just made millions from what your eyes saw, you poor, poor SOB.

5. It’s Hard

the internet is like complex mathematic equationsYou’re a relatively intelligent individual, I’m assuming. After all, you’ve managed to bring yourself here, right? Well, using the internet requires at least a double-doctorate in rocket surgery. And you don’t have one. Unless you’re a rocket surgeon, in which case…well, good for you!

I mean, “HTTP” and “WWW” and “FTP” and “TCP/IP” and “browsers” and “servers” and “DNS” and…oh man, the list just goes on and on! How in the world is somebody supposed to understand all this crap!? Seriously, somebody once asked me “Are you using IE7?”. What kind of question is that!? He may as well have said “Jooba komba wokka tiki”! (I sincerely hope I didn’t just offend some Pacific Islander’s sister)

When I want something, I want it now. I want to point at something, and say “work”. Then it figures out the rest. I don’t need to know all this crap about browsers and secure connections and protocols and whatnot. Just do what I say!

4. Viruses

viruses, on my internet!?Yes, contrary to popular belief, the word is not “virii”. That is beside the point, however. The point is that when you use the internet, you are completely and utterly vulnerable to every virus that has ever been created by mankind, or computerkind, or anyotherkind. It’s true. Just look it up on Wikipedia.

The truth is, using the internet is like swimming in a public pool with a couple of open cuts on your hand. Your interworks are totally and unreliably susceptible to attack by hackers, crackers, slackers, and trackers. There is no possible way to protect yourself from viruses when you use the internet. They will just infect you like your love for girl scout cookies, and take advantage of you like the cast of The Jersey Shore has taken advantage of their 15 minutes of fame.

3. Rick Astley

rick astley uses the internetThis guy uses the internet. End of argument. Stop using it right now, or else you’ll end up like him.

2. Exposure to things not within your own little world

outside of your worldChances are, you like where you live, you’re comfortable in your job, and you don’t want to think about anything outside of your suburb, or if you’re feeling really charitable, your whole County! Face it, we are products of our environment, and if our environment were the entire world, we…would be products of the world! That wouldn’t even make any sense, right? There’s no “World Patent Office” or “World Court” or “World Series of Poker”…

When using the internet, remember, the vast network of computers, we are exposed to are a vast new reality. We don’t care about anything that doesn’t happen in our community. If we cared about stuff in Indonesia, we’d live in Indonesia, right? If we cared about what celebrity got caught doing god-knows-what, we’d ask that celebrity, right? If we wanted to know what the capital of Uruguay was, we’d ask people that lived there, right?

However, when we use the internet, all of that crap we don’t care about is thrown right into our face. We can’t help but know things about the world outside of where we live. It’s just there. We can’t escape it no matter how hard we try, and try we will! We will never win though. The internet is a vast network of self-thinking mechanics, and it is laughing at us right now, because we just learned about Tiger Woods’ 27th mistress. We didn’t want to know that.

1. Free information

free information can't be goodInformation? Free? What the…!? Recently I had to file a civil case against a certain individual who shall remain un-named. At the courthouse, I was charged $2 for the single, one page form that I had to fill out in order to file this civil case. And I liked it. The internet has made this information freely available to anybody. This sort of thing is just unacceptable, what’s next, being able to file your tax return online!

This type of freedom of information is what makes the internet evil, in an incomprehensible way. Just think, someday somebody will be able to put your phone number into an internet search, and actually find out your name! If the internet gets sophisticated enough, they might even be able to find out your address! Consider this circumstance…you’re a bill collector, doing your job, trying to collect your $14.38 in past-due charges, calling an individual 14 times a day, but all of a sudden that individual uses “the internet” to figure out that the phone number attached to your calls is actually…you!

Well, that is all I have for now. Clearly, I have illustrated the ways in which “the internet” is completely and totally evil, and will consume your entire life, and probably the lives of your loved ones, if they are not so forewarned. Please think twice and remember the things I have taught you today the next time you think about gassing up to ride the information superhighway. It is, after all, a fad.

(This is clearly a satirical article. Anything mentioned in this article is not to be taken literally, and is not to be understood as fact. The internet is my living. It’s my passion. If there were no internet, or no internet users, I wouldn’t be able to afford my various international mansions and Ferraris and such. So be cool and take it for what it is: comedy.)

3 Responses to 7 Reasons Not to Use the Internet

  1. Hilarious article! Typical Eric talk.

    Dwight Zahringer | February 10, 2010at 1:51 pm

  2. Kudos for saying “That is beside the point” under Viruses, and not using “besides”. However you lose points for typing “Ferrari’s” in the possessive form – no apostrophe needed :-)

    Love,
    Your big sis

    Lora Guerin | February 11, 2010at 5:02 pm

  3. What are you talking about? That never happened! And yes, “besides the point” is one of my pet peeves.

    Eric Guerin | February 11, 2010at 5:07 pm

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