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The Sky Is Falling…The Mothership Is Coming…It’s the Rapture! on May. 19, 2011

Okay, even the Mormons are calling this a crock of poop. I know. I work with one and asked him. Now, granted, he doesn’t always tell us the truth, but the look of “You’re seriously bringing this to me? Really?” tells me that we’re on the same page. I honestly thought folks were talking about Rapture, the hit single from Blondie, until I realized that most of them weren’t even born back then. That’s when they realized yet again that I’m the oldest one here. And you know what happened after that, right? Oh, yes. They looked at me and asked what they should do to prepare. What the hell??? So here’s my take on preparing for the rapture.

First, be ready to be surprised. Harold Camping had to revise his date. Are we really going to buy the new one from someone who couldn’t get it right the first time? Even his wife had to tell him during their first night together “Honey, that’s not it.” Heck the Jehovah’s Witnesses have given up after four failed dates have passed and said “Enough with this $hit.” And the Scientologists? I haven’t been hearing the phrase “Beam me up!” lately, so I’m thinking they’re going to be sitting back and chuckling while watching the skies for the mothership…or Kathy Griffin. Rumor has it she’s their leader and making fun of them in her act is just a clever disguise to test their faith. The moral of this is to keep an open mind.

Second, come to terms with whether you’re on Team Edward or Team Jacob. And while you’re at it, can we please check Justin Bieber’s scalp for a 666? You never know who’s going to be leading the way in the underworld and it might be in our best interest to pick up a couple of his CDs just in case to show our support. We might want to pick up David Hasselhoff’s albums, too, because you know he and Tony Danza are going to be sitting on a throne of human bones swapping stories about being showcased on the walls of the Trademark Productions office.

Yeah, exactly.

Finally, I highly recommend buying very comfortable, very expensive underwear just in case we’re wrong and it does happen. This way, at least we’ll be pulling them down with some dignity as we’re about to take it in the bum for ever having doubted the whole thing in the first place. If not, we’ll be seeing you Monday morning. Come to think of it, I may be doomed to being left behind for Monday morning anyway. Oh, Kirk Cameron…how I wanted to mate with you back when I was in high school.

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